


The Bespectacled and the Asexual...-ed

by Mayasynth



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Aromantic, Aromantic Asexual John, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Demiromantic, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Humanstuck, Sexuality Crisis, demiromantic asexual jade, minor Karkat Vantas/Everyone, yo there's not even a tag for that this must be rectified immediately
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2014-11-25
Packaged: 2018-02-26 13:31:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2653772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mayasynth/pseuds/Mayasynth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider and you do not, in any way whatsoever, have a crush on your best friend’s cute cousin from that weird Pacific island you can’t pronounce.</p><p>Your name is Jade Harley and you do not, in any way whatsoever, have a crush on your cousin's cute friend from college. No, seriously, you don't. I mean his flippy hair was pretty and all, but he was actually a bit weird and... stare-y? So no, you really don't.</p><p>...Although, to be perfectly honest, you're not even sure if you know what a crush is.  </p><p>((Jade finally realizes she's a demiromantic asexual, with the aid of her aroace friend John, but worries about how her new boyfriend will react))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In Which Dave Strider Thoroughly Embarrasses Himself

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the shocking lack of nice long fics about asexual characters (and by the total lack of even a tag for 'demiromantic'), I decided to write my own really long/really fluffy/really angsty asexual DaveJade fic! Needless to say there will be absolutely no sex involved ever, but plenty of sexuality- and coming-out-related angst if you're into that kind of thing. Also fluff.

Your name is Dave Strider and you do not, in any way whatsoever, have a crush on your best friend’s cute cousin from that weird Pacific island you can’t pronounce.  
  
Cute? Wait, no, you didn’t just think that. I mean yeah, when you first met her at Egbert’s 18th birthday party you could still hear her laughing even from three rooms away (but she was really loud). And yeah, maybe you noticed the way her ridiculously bright green eyes flashed behind her really dorky glasses, or how her hair bounced against her back when she walked, or the way her front teeth poked over her lips when she grinned, or her dark tanned skin scattered with freckles all over, especially on her cheeks and nose, and ahhh fuck you have a huge crush on her don’t you.  
  
Well that’s just peachy. I mean the least you could have done was flirt with her a little, maybe ask for her chumhandle before she left again for fucking Jupiter, but no. Instead you just followed her around all evening at a suitably inconspicuous distance while clutching your drink and trying not to gawk like an idiot, and then spent the whole of the next day sulking and pining like a lovestruck Victorian countess in one of those shitty romance novels Karkat’s always giving you (read: violently throwing at your head with screeches of “QUALITY LITERATURE”). If you don’t watch out you’ll be singing ballads from the balcony and writing poetry soon. In fact, speaking of poetry, Rose messaged you earlier. Groaning, you grab your phone from your bedside table and open up pesterchum.

  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 15:23 --  
  
TT: Good morning Dave.  
TT: I say “morning” in only the loosest sense of the word, as it is currently well past midday.  
TT: Either there has been a major temporal shift/new mid-April daylight savings scheme proposed since last night, or you truly are still asleep at 3 p.m.  
TT: Or perhaps I am mistaken.  
TT: Perhaps the atmosphere of your bedroom finally reached the perfect conditions, tepid and moist as it is, for life to evolve from the bacteria on your discarded dirty laundry. And evolve it did, into a hideous creature of towering stature, all teeth and claws and dripping with faintly green mucous.  
TT: Maybe you awoke, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, at 7 a.m. precisely, only to be greeted by the horrific gaping maw of this literal embodiment of mold, and were so transfixed with horror that you simply could not reach for your phone to tearfully type out a last farewell to your beloved only sister.  
TT: Or perhaps you stayed up all night fretting like a lovelorn maiden and now you are too sleep deprived to answer your goddamn phone.  
TG: wow look just what i needed to start my day off well a wall of snarky purple horseshit  
TT: Ah, hello Dave.  
TT: I see you have deigned to grace me with your conversation yet again.  
TG: yeah yeah i get it, anyone who gets up after 9 is a useless member of society yada yada  
TG: ugh tl;dr lets see im also dirty, lazy, bright eyed and bushy tailed, or no apparently not, and a lovelorn maiden wait what  
TT: Ah yes, that reminds me of the reason I wanted to talk to you today in the first place.  
TT: I believe it’s time for us to have another discussion regarding your long-term romantic intentions.  
TG: what  
TG: oh fuck no  
TG: you are not making me do that Kinsey shit again rose i swear to fucking god if i have to hear you say “phallic imagery” one more time im gonna flip my shit so far off the handle people in the next state over will be able to tell what i had for breakfast  
TT: Ew.  
TT: Gruesome and childish mixed metaphors aside, that is entirely not what I’m talking about.  
TT: I gathered more than enough interesting data from our last tests to keep me busy psychoanalyzing for a very long time.  
TG: damn straight  
TT: If you say so.  
TG: man i never should have let you bribe me into being your lab monkey you didnt even give me enough to buy two video games dude what a tight-ass  
TG: wait what was that  
TT: Moving on.  
TT: The main reason I messaged you today was not to talk about “that Kinsey shit again,” but in fact to inquire about last night.  
TT: To be specific, why you were shuffling around from room to room following Jade like a lost puppy and sporting an expression which can only be described as “doe-eyed.”  
TG: wait she’s called jade?  
TG: shit i mean what are you talking about  
TG: and for fuck’s sake rose i was practicing my flashstep not shuffling  
TT: And you just happened to be doing this in the exact same room as Jade for the entire evening?  
TG: yes  
TG: egberts house isnt the fucking winchester mystery house man there were only a few rooms  
TG: its only statistically inevitable that id be in vaguely her vicinity for a lot of the time  
TT: I see.  
TT: And the doe eyes?  
TG: stfu rose you couldnt see my eyes  
TG: and anyway I cant help being naturally gifted with luscious eyelashes  
TG: pupils deep as the fuckin marinara trench  
TG: irises red as D3L1C1OUS C4NDY and all that  
TT: Indeed.  
TT: In fact, I believe at one point you actually lifted up your shades to get a better view of her through your magnificent pasta-sauce filled corneas.  
TG: What  
TG: oh fuuuuck  
TG: there really is no point denying this is there youre just going to keep needling me until i spill  
TT: You are entirely correct.  
TG: fuck was i really that obvious  
TT: I am afraid, Dave, that it would have been less conspicuous if you had worn a shirt that read, in 200pt block letters, “Looking For Very Hot and Very Tanned Green-Eyed Girlfriend, Preferably Whose Name Starts With ‘J’ and Ends With ‘ade’”.  
TG: eughhhhhh  
TG: please just kill me now  
TG: bury me with all my shitty swords  
TG: i leave all my videogames to egbert  
TG: and all those romcoms karkat gave me to you  
TT: How very generous of you.  
TT: What should I have engraved on your tombstone?  
TG: Here Lies Dave, Still a Fucking Virgin, May He Be Spared the Embarrassment in Death That Plagued Him in Life  
TG: Also Jade Plz Give Me Your Number  
TT: A beautiful and touching eulogy.  
TT: Although might I ask, what would you do with Jade’s phone number on the astral plane?  
TG: who the fuck knows  
TG: probably call her from the other side  
TG: try to initiate some kind of fucked up ghost-human romance  
TG: hey jade wanna come to my place  
TG: i know it has a damp problem but hey its a mausoleum whatd you expect  
TG: or you can just say applejuice three times and ill teleport right into your living room in stripy action pajamas, ready to fuck shit up  
TT: I hate to cut this touching romance short Dave, but before you spend the precious few hours you have left before going to sleep again finishing off this elaborate post-mortem DaveJade fanfiction, I must inform you that there is a far easier way to contact her than from beyond the veil.  
TT: I have her chumhandle.  
TG: wait what are you fucking kidding me  
TG: how  
TT: I actually talked to her for some time last night and we had a very interesting discussion on the philosophical and existential implications of cloning and advanced nuclear science.  
TG: yeah yeah i get it you had long sloppy science makeouts get to the point  
TT: She seemed very keen to keep in touch with all of John’s friends whom she met last night, so we exchanged chumhandles.  
TG: is that it  
TG: hang on why in the flying fuck didn’t she ask me for mine then  
TT: Presumably because you were too busy ogling at her from a very precisely maintained distance of ten feet all evening?  
TG: fair point.  
TG: ok well the suspense is killing me here lalonde come on  
TG: or do you want me to finish my fanfiction  
TT: No, I believe it would be best for all parties involved if you didn’t. Ever.  
TT: It’s gardenGnostic.  
TT: But Dave.  
TG: yeah?  
TT: Please don’t message her right away. Give her a little bit of time for the memories of your maudlin stares lingering on the back of her neck to fade.  
TG: geez lalonde i know  
TG: ill wait a while i mean really my original plans for today included hanging around in my underwear and eating unspeakable amounts of cereal and that's probably not gonna change  
TG: who am i kidding thats my plan every day  
TG: maybe by like a weeks time ill have thought of a suitably lame excuse to talk to her  
TG: “hey!! you remember me right i’m egberts friend you know the really creepy one with the shades who now just happens to have your chumhandle”  
TG: “seriously im not a serial killer though hahaha whyd you block me”  
TT: I’ll be sure to communicate to Jade how suave and sexy the gentleman is who is planning to woo her. Hopefully then she won’t block you immediately upon sight.  
TG: for real  
TG: make sure she prepares herself for the waves a sheer strider charisma coming  
TG: the torrential rain of smooth pick up lines  
TG: the blizzard of charm and sophistication  
TT: The unrelenting hail of flattery and honeyed compliments?  
TG: exactly  
TG: see its ridiculous im not drowning in babes already  
TG: ughhh I gotta go get some breakfast i havent eaten anything since that shitty pizza last night  
TT: Alright Dave. I have to take my leave as well I'm afraid, I have a test to study for. I bid you farewell, and wish you luck on your future romantic endeavors.  
TG: thanks rose  
TG: see you  
TT: Oh, and one more thing before I go.  
TT: Jade is coming to live permanently with John soon and attend our college next semester.  
TG: what?????  
  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
  
TG: rose what the FUCK  
TG: rose you cant just drop a bombshell like that and then leave  
TG: rose!!!  
TG: youre probably giggling into your weird-ass cthulhu plushies right now arent you  
TG: goddamn  
TG: i hate you so much  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 16:56 --  
  
EB: hahaha oh man you looked like a disney princess!  
EB: [http://youtu.be/Tl0DMTlwLw4?t=36s](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl0DMTlwLw4&feature=youtu.be&t=36s)  
TG: fuck off egbert  
EB: hahahahahahahaha  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

 


	2. In Which Jade Eats Ice Cream Anyway

Your name is Jade Harley and you do not, in any way whatsoever, have a crush on your cousin's cute friend from college. No, seriously, you don't. I mean his flippy hair was pretty and all, but he was actually a bit weird and... stare-y? So no, you really don't.  
  
...Although, to be perfectly honest, you're not even sure if you know what a crush is.  
  
Your fingers fumble on your spoon, and the next thing you know you have cereal in your lap. Damnit. It certainly isn't the first time you've had this thought, and it unnerves you every time. Still, you definitely do _not_ feel like having an existential crisis today, so you scrunch up your eyes and push it back again to the furthest corner of your mind, right between "Old Neopets Passwords" and "The Twenty-Seventh Time John Made You Watch Con Air". Maybe you'll finally tackle that particular emotional block when you're back home, armed with a tub of ice cream and a stack of shitty romance advice magazines. Or maybe not.  
  
"Good morning Jade! Um... Are you ok?"  
  
Your eyes snap open again and you put on a grin.  
  
"Oh! Hey John! Sorry, I have a little bit of a headache," you say, getting up to carefully clean off the Fruit Loops that are slowly adding a new pattern to your skirt.  
  
"Oh man, I can see why! Lemme get you a towel or something, I hope that doesn't stain. Do you want an aspirin?"  
  
"No thanks John, I'll be fine." Damp all over but at least no longer covered in cereal, you smooth out your skirt and sit down at the table again as John gets himself breakfast. As he clatters about with a frying pan and the amazing smell of freshly made pancakes hits your nose, you look around his kitchen. You're surprised by how nice it is - well, you know, as nice as a college apartment kitchen can be - and you hate to guess exactly how many hours John must have spent scrubbing the oven and countertops to get them to shine like that. As much as he bitches and moans about his dad's obsession with cooking and baking, you can't deny he seems to have inherited the skill.  
  
"Are you excited to start college this fall?" John says as he sits down in front of you with a stack of steaming pancakes. He feigns  outrage when you pinch one off his plate, a brief but spirited fork sword-fight ensues.  
  
"So excited," you say finally, after successfully capturing a pancake and drowning your spoils in maple syrup. "This last year has been really fun but also pretty tiring. I'm looking forward to staying in one place for a little while!"  
  
"Oh man Jade, if you think college isn't gonna be tiring I have some news," John laughs. "Just wait till finals week, you might start to wish you were out there fighting tigers again. Or whatever the hell it was you were doing."  
  
"Joooohn, I've already told you so many times, it was a _research trip_ , unless there were tigers attacking the endangered birds there really wasn't any reason to-"  
  
"I know, I know, it's just more fun to think of you off wrestling crocodiles in the jungle." John smirks. "Oh, and now that you're back in society again, you might get to talk to some --" He gasps. "-- _people!"_  
  
You giggle and punch him in the arm. "Oh my god, I was homeschooled John, not a fucking alien. There were plenty of people on the other islands I went to visit!"  
  
It takes you a moment to realize that John is no longer sitting at the table, and you hear a voice from about floor-level gasp, "...what was that you said about not wrestling tigers?"  
  
***  
  
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 12:37 --  
  
TT: Good evening, Jade.  
TT: I apologize for not contacting you sooner; unfortunately I was rather preoccupied.  
TT: I fear that my poor sociology teacher has been possessed by an evil spirit with a particular penchant for psychological torture and group projects.  
TT: My best attempts at exorcism were met only with terrified screams and requests to see the student counselor about 'that whole speaking in tongues thing, you should really stop that'.  
TT: Consequently, I was obliged to spend the entirety of the past week writing essays of frankly preposterous wordcounts and attempting to organize subversive student groups to oust the malignant impostor from her tenured post.  
TT: I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my negligence.  
GG: oh hello rose!!!  
GG: wow you even type just like you talk hahaha!  
GG: and good evening to you too even though its not evening here yet :)  
TT: Really? You're back on the island already?  
GG: yep! I just got back this morning  
GG: although its been so long since i flew a helicopter i nearly flew into the volcano :O  
TT: Sometimes, Jade, I find it very hard to tell if you're being serious.  
TT: Your simultaneously impressive and worrying nonchalance on the subject of near-certain-death-by-flying-blade-contraption aside, I believe that there are certain parties here who will be, to say the least, very disappointed about your sudden departure.  
GG: aww, youre really sweet! :D  
GG: dont worry ill be back soon! i found a dorm for the fall but im coming back to live with john for the summer as soon as ive got my stuff packed  
TT: I will, of course, be thrilled to see you once again when you arrive.  
TT: However, I was referring to one person in particular.  
TT: I don't suppose that anyone by the the screenname of turntechGodhead has contacted you yet?  
GG: no :?  
GG: whos that?  
TT: He was one of John's friends who you met - in a way - at his birthday party.  
GG: oh great!! i love all johns friends tell him to message me right away i wont bite hahaha!  
GG: was he the small shouty spanish one or the cool hacker with the lisp who got me that app on my phone that tells me where government helicopters are?  
TT: Neither.  
TT: And I believe that it would be best if you deleted that. Sollux has always maintained that petty rules and regulations (e.g. copyright laws, government agencies, the Geneva convention, etc.) are only for '2tupiid no-talent babiie2,' and as such I would be highly speculative of the app's legality.  
TT: But getting back to the point, I was talking about the individual who spent most of the party gawping at the back of your head and following you awkwardly from room to room.  
GG: oh!  
GG: oh yeah i remember him now  
GG: he was a bit weird :|  
TT: You don't sound exactly thrilled - very understandably, I might add.  
TT: I assure you, however, that that was far from Dave's normal behavior. While I must admit that at that particular occasion he exhibited all the charisma of a quietly photosynthesizing sprig of duckweed, conversations with him usually fall in the range of 'almost enjoyable' to even the giddy heights of 'vaguely amusing.'  
GG: rose is this you trying to convince me to talk to him? :P  
TT: Yes. Yes, I believe it is. I am aware that I am not doing a very good job, but unfortunately even my highest attempts at praising Dave must always be undershadowed by sisterly scorn.  
GG: wait a minute, sisterly?  
GG: rose is dave your brother?? :O  
TT: Ah, I see the confusion here.  
TT: Although we call each other 'brother' and 'sister' in an ironically endearing fashion, we are not quite that directly related (although I have been told many times that we bear a striking resemblance).  
TT: I believe that he is actually my grandmother's uncle's cousin's ex-wife's nephew's younger brother.  
GG: oh so it's like me and john then!!  
GG: he's not my **cousin** cousin, but my grandpa and his grandma were both adopted to the same family  
GG: we just call each other that because its simpler hahaha :D  
TT: Precisely.  
TT: That said, I believe it is my responsibility to warn you of my almost-brother's intentions.  
TT: While I would usually never dream of sharing such sensitive information behind his back, I think that in this case it is in the best interest of all parties involved.  
TT: I believe that Dave has romantic feelings for you.  
GG: what!!  
GG: wait i thought he was just a weirdo i didn't realize i  
GG: was that flirting? is that what flirting is??  
GG: was he staring at my BOOBS or something!!!!  
TT: Calm down, Jade. I doubt that even Dave would be that classless. And no, not in any civilized society is that recognized as flirting.  
TT: ...  
TT: Jade?  
GG: sorry for calling your brother a weirdo :(  
TT: It's quite alright.  
TT: I do not even know if he intends to act on these feelings, but I still thought it fit to give you fair notice, as he tends to act even more erratically when romance is involved.  
GG: what do you mean?  
TT: Well, the last time he persuaded some poor fool to go on a date with him, he apparently spent the entire evening discussing the history of puppets in such excruciating detail that she burst into literal tears and had to be escorted from the restaurant by concerned friends.  
TT: The time prior to that, he left what was I believe a taxidermied crow on her doorstep.  
GG: D:  
TT: Agreed.  
TT: He later told me that he had learned she was a fan of Edgar Allen Poe, but even so this strikes me as a rather macabre way to show one's affection.  
GG: rose please dont let him send me a dead bird  
TT: I promise I will physically restrain him if necessary. I doubt I would need to, however; I don't think anyone would make that mistake twice.  
GG: hahahaha  
GG: thank you rose :)  
GG: ugh hang on my granpa's yelling at me to clean up all the boxes ive left lying around  
GG: i should probably get back to packing! :(  
TT: Of course, Jade. Although -  
TT: ...  
TT: Hmm.  
GG: what is it?  
TT: Looking back on these messages, I am beginning to think that I've painted too harsh a picture of Dave.  
TT: In my efforts to warn you of his eccentricities, I may have overlooked his good points.  
TT: So before you go, I must also inform you - at the risk of ruining my prized reputation as a heartless snarky broad - that I do, in fact, care about my brother very much.  
TT: He can be very endearing sometimes. Nice, even.  
TT: And underneath his ironically cool façade, he has all the emotional capacity and tact of a primordial single-celled protozoa.  
TT: He cried while watching Watership Down.  
TT: Throughout the entire thing, Jade. Ten minutes before the first rabbit had so much as scratched his twitching nose, Dave was clinging to my shoulder and bawling his eyes out in sheer anticipation of the mass leporine demise, all the while sniffling about how I had forced him to watch "this stupid goddamn lame-ass fuckin bunny massacre movie"  
GG: rooooooooose >.>  
GG: what are you getting at?  
TT: Apologies.  
TT: What I'm essentially saying is, I suppose...  
TT: If you must break his heart, please do it gently.   
GG: i understand rose :)  
GG: but if i get a dead crow outside my door im not promising anything!  
TT: I think that's fair.  
TT: I wish you all the best in your packing endeavors and your upcoming move. I hope to speak to you again soon.  
GG: thanks!! bye byeee  
  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \--  
  
You sigh and lean back in your chair. Well, that certainly was some interesting news! For all of Rose's grave warnings, you think that Dave actually sounds pretty adorkable - especially the Watership Down thing. Apparently a cute American boy with flippy blonde hair and cool sunglasses really likes you! Isn't that a good thing? Isn't that the most a girl could ever hope for?   
  
...Then why are you shaking so much?  
  
Groaning, you slam your laptop lid and curl up in a ball on your chair - you can pack later. You would go and get some ice cream from the freezer, but you don't think your churning stomach and trembling fingers could handle it right now, and anyway, isn't that something you're supposed to do after a breakup? This is not a breakup. This is literally the exact opposite of a breakup. Ughhh, why is everything so hard.  
  
You decide you're going to get some ice cream anyway, nervous stomach be damned. This is probably the perfect time to have a Think and figure out exactly why you're feeling like this, but you don't have the energy. Not today.  
  
Not today.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that concludes the second chapter! I know that bugger all has actually happened yet and I think I only barely passed the Bechdel Test, but I promise that the next few chapters will have more action and less angst. Look forward to Dave displaying his stunning social prowess once again, more from John, and brief cameos by Karkat, Aradia, and Vriska!


	3. In Which Dave Not So Much Embellishes the Truth as Straight Up Fucking Bedazzles It

“Thhd, thshh fshig shhhcks.”  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
  You groan and sit up, letting the textbook fall from your face and onto your lap with a dull _thump_.  
  
  “I said, ‘Dude, this fucking sucks.’ Seriously, when am I ever going to use this?"  
  
John shrugs and waves his feet in the air. He's lying on your sofa with his legs over the back and looking at you upside-down through glasses perched precariously on his nose. You don't know how he's not passed out already from all the blood running to his head. What a dork. "I dunno, man. It might be useful some day! And ew, don't get spit all over those books, they're rentals."  
  
You make a face and wipe the page with your sleeve. "Oh, yeah, sure, it'll come in real handy. 'Hey Mr. Dave Strider, I'm a huge fan, I really loved your newest movie _Puppets vs. Ninjas Ultimate Showdown III_ , but you know what would really make me wet my pants with sheer uncontainable joy? If you could tell me the derivative of the natural log of x,' - 'Yeah sure kid it's 1/x2,' - 'Wow thanks mister!' - 'No problem anything for a fan.'"  
  
John snickers and his glasses finally fall off his face. "Dude, the derivative of natural log is 1/x."  
  
"Shit, really? Oh god, I don't even care anymore." You lie back down and push your shades away from your eyes to rub your face. "Finals are literally the worst thing the human race has ever come up with. I just want this to be done with already so I can go back to sleeping all day and making shitty remixes of Sesame Street songs[.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWRhB6Xu0cU) Did you know I haven't slept for over 37 hours?"  
  
"What!"  
  
"Yeah, every since I drank that double-espresso-Red-Bull milkshake."  
  
John turns right-way up to glare at you better, with an expression so comically outraged he looks like a betrayed housewife from a bad soap opera. How dare you cheat on me, Fernando! I thought we had something special. "Dave!! I thought you were joking about that!"  
  
"Nah - well, I was at first, but then curiosity got the better of me. I have to admit I can't really feel my fingers anymore, and about hour 25 I may have spent a good ten minutes touching my face to make sure it was still there, but overall it's been pretty worth it. I managed to take and fail fourteen practice tests and I only needed 3 top-up coffees - don't give me that >:O face, Egbert."  
  
He scrunches up his nose, but you can see a smile twitch at the corners of his mouth. "My face does not look like that! And shut up, you're not going to fail, I know you aced every test this year. You just like to say that to look cool."  
  
You reel back and clutch a hand to your chest. "Oh Egbert, you wound me! To think, that you would imply that I, Dave Strider, humble student and your bestest bro ever, would _lie._ Just to look cool! I am hurt. Truly, you insult me -"  
  
John snorts and throws one of the lighter textbooks at your head, and a short scuffle ensues.  
  
"Oh!" John says a few minutes later, pausing mid book-fling to grin mischievously. "I thought of one thing these finals have been good for."  
  
You narrow your eyes and tentatively put down your  _Español para Anos_ workbook. "What?"  
  
"They've kept you so busy that you haven't had time to mope about Jade anymore!"  
  
"Dude I'm warning you, if you sing that stupid Disney song I'm not sticking to the small stuff anymore. I'm talking Romano Vidiacci's Unabridged Anthology of Italian Film History, Third Edition."  
  
John giggles. "Don't worry, that got old after the first week. Seriously though, what are you planning on doing about that? Have you said hey to her on Pesterchum yet?"  
  
"Ughhh, I don't know bro. Talking online is really hard. I'll probably wait until she's living over here and then I can talk to her in person, maybe? Try to strike up a conversation?" John nods encouragingly but now you think of it, the last time you planned on doing that, you couldn't for the life of you think of anything to say and instead spent the next three hours just staring at her like a - like - uh, like some sort of silently growing aquatic weed? Wow, you can't even carry on a coherent conversation with yourself. Yeah who are you kidding talking in person sounds awful you should never do that ever.  
  
You groan and bury your face in a book again. "Yeah, you're right John, I should just pester her. That might be easier. I mean it'll be harder for the Strider charm and charisma to come across through a cold emotionless computer screen, but I guess I'll just have to make do."  
  
"Naturally." John smirks. "You're still going to angst about it for like a month before you actually do it though right?"  
  
You squish your face further into the book. "Ohff coursche."  
  
***  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 10:23 --  
  
TG: hey  
TG: so uh you probably don't remember me  
TG: actually I hope you don't remember me  
TG: but I was at johns party like two months back  
GG: oh hey dave!!  
TG: wait what  
TG: how do you know my name  
TG: uh shit i mean  
TG: hello jade wow nice to talk to you just out of curiosity though how do you know my name  
GG: hahahaha :)  
  
Oh god she's laughing at you  
  
GG: rose told me silly! she said you might message me!  
TG: aw fuck has she been gossiping about me again  
TG: did she tell you anything else about me its all lies i tell you lies  
GG: hahaha  
GG: she said a few things :)  
TG: goddamn i need to have another talk with that girl about respecting other peoples privacy  
TG: shes always spreading shit about me  
TG: spreadin shit faster than a  
TG: uh  
TG: really motivated farmer  
TG: whos just taken his daily dose of ritalin  
TG: fertilizing the literal shit outta those crops  
TG: gotta make sure they grow up big and strong got a family to feed  
GG: wait who are you talking about? :P  
TG: well thats entirely enough of that  
TG: anyway uh  
TG: i thought i should send you a message  
TG: you know just to say hey and welcome to the old U S of A and all that  
GG: aw thank you dave! :D  
GG: im still moving in so i havent seen much yet but im excited!  
TG: oh yeah its really cool here  
TG: just watch out for the eagles  
GG: the eagles? :O  
TG: yeah theyre fuckin everywhere  
TG: watch out they dont take your shit  
TG: they take kids all the time too one time a big one grabbed karkat   
GG: what!  
TG: yeah just wrapped its gnarly claws around his shoulders and lifted him straight off the ground  
TG: took him straight off to its nest to feed to its young  
TG: luckily the eagle response crew got there in time  
TG: dont ask karkat about it he still has nightmares poor kid  
GG: hahahahaha oh my god  
GG: john was right you are really silly!  
TG: no no im serious ask lalonde shell back me up  
TG: anyway giant feathery assholes aside  
TG: i also wanted to explain something  
TG: so you probably noticed that at egberts party i was acting sorta weird  
GG: um...  
GG: a little bit haha :P  
TG: well i have a really good reason i promise  
  
Ok, here goes. You can do this, Strider.  
  
TG: you see i know this one guy whos sorta  
TG: well he likes to put unconventional ingredients in his baking if you know what i mean  
  
Which is entirely true  
  
TG: and he thought it would be really funny to give me a slice of pie before i went to egberts party  
TG: i really shoulda known better tbh  
TG: but anyway by the time i realized there was something funny in it id already eaten the whole thing  
TG: so i wasnt really all there the whole evening  
GG: wait a minute dave  
GG: are you telling me  
GG: you were STONED?? :O  
TG: more stoned than a 12th century peasant who just got caught making out with the king's wife next to a herd of stolen cows and a book called "So You Want to be a Pagan"  
  
Lies, all lies.  
  
TG: not intentionally though  
TG: because drugs are bad  
TG: shits illegal  
TG: dont do drugs kids  
TG: i promise it was accidental  
TG: also i had a sincere bro-talk with my friend and hes one hundred percent squeaky clean sober now  
TG: but yeah your earrings were really shiny  
TG: and i sorta spent 3 hours just staring at them thinkin about how sparkly they were  
TG: sorry if i freaked you out or anything  
GG: oh my god this explains so much! hahahahaha  
GG: wow rose will laugh so much when she hears this she had it all wrong!  
TG: oh god no dont tell rose  
TG: i mean i dont wanna make her worry or anything  
TG: wait  
TG: what do you mean she had it all wrong  
TG: what did rose say happened?  
GG: well  
GG: oh gosh this is embarassing hahahaha >.>  
GG: she thought you had a crush on me!!  
GG: isnt that funny?  
GG: ...  
GG: dave?  
  
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck  
  
TG: oh yeah hahahaHA  
TG: holy shit sticks that is HILARIOUS  
TG: HAHHAHA  
GG: yeah it is pretty crazy hahaha :)  
TG: OH MY GOD  
TG: HOLY FUCK  
TG: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA  
TG: SWEET, SWEET DICKS IN MY MOUTH  
GG: ew  
TG: I HAVE NEVER LAUGHED SO HARD IN MY LIFE  
TG: YOURE RIGHT THAT IS SO CRAZY  
TG: CRAZIEST ASS SHIT I EVER HEARD  
GG: uh dave are you ok?  
TG: YEP  
TG: JUST PERFECT  
GG: :P  
TG: sorry my capslock button got stuck for a second there  
TG: go on  
GG: dave  
GG: you dont really have a crush on me right?  
TG: oh no  
TG: no no no i mean dont get me wrong you are a very nice lady  
TG: anyone can see that  
TG: any guy off the street could see your  
TG: your swishy hair and cute freckles and sparkly eyes and  
TG: but goddamn hell no i dont have a crush on you  
TG: not into you at all  
GG: ok - well if you say so i believe you!  
GG: wow rose got it so wrong! hahaha  
TG: yep she did haha thats me 100% not attracted to you  
  
Oh my god.  
Well.  
You have literally nothing else to lose.  
  
TG: hey random question do you wanna come see a movie with me this saturday  
GG: oh! ok!  
GG: sure dave that sounds really fun! :D  
GG: what should we go see?  
TG: idk i think indiana jones and the amethyst femur is out  
GG: oh wow that sounds really cool!  
GG: aradia will love that shes really into archaeology :)  
TG: what  
GG: i know johns usually busy studying on saturdays but i can ask him too  
GG: do you think rose would like to come?  
TG: oh yeah sure  
TG: yeah of course were inviting more people  
TG: seeing how spectacularly unattracted to you i am  
TG: in fact lets make it a fucking party  
TG: lets invite terezi and vriska too their creepy asses make everything more fun  
GG: dave isnt terezi blind :P  
TG: well yeah but  
TG: she still comes to movie nights  
TG: actually now i think about it how the hell does she even  
TG: what the fuck  
GG: maybe she listens to the words?  
TG: i guess  
GG: i can describe the pictures to her too though!  
GG: so that everyone can have fun! :D  
  
Oh my god she's fucking adorable  
  
TG: yeah  
TG: you know what that actually does sound like a great idea  
TG: ok then  
TG: i guess  
TG: its set  
TG: were having a big ass movie night  
TG: like a welcoming party or something  
GG: aw dave thats so sweet! :)  
GG: thank you for organizing this i think its going to be lots of fun!  
GG: bluh hang on a minute  
GG: becs scratching at the door i wonder what he wants  
GG: oh! of course its time for his walk  
GG: sorry dave i have to go! :P  
TG: ok  
TG: yeah and i should go lie down i suddenly have a really bad headache for some reason  
GG: oh no! D:  
GG: i hope you feel better soon dave  
GG: get some rest!  
TG: thanks jade  
GG: and thank you for messaging me finally! it was great talking to you :)  
GG: byeee!  
TG: bye  
  
\-- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
  
TG: it was great talking to you too  
  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahahaha remember how I said this chapter would have less dialogue and trolls?
> 
> Lies, all lies. 
> 
> (Also don't do drugs kids. You'll go to jail! Or hell!! Or hell jail!!!)
> 
>  
> 
> [[UPDATE 1/20/15]]: I'M SORRY IT'S BEEN SO LONG. I am planning on finishing this, I really am. I'm currently absolutely floundering, however, in second semester engineering, which is awful, don't do it, be a farmer it's easier we all need farmers, so realistically I won't get time to work on this again until spring break or the end of the semester in May. Call it a 'Minigigapause,' if you will. *i breakdance briefly, crowd boos* Ok but seriously, THANK YOU ALL for all the support so far, I will write the next chapter as soon as possible! Tara! ~


End file.
